Courtesy of the South African Airways Museum Society newsletter:
IATA: New Terms and Definitions
Full service carrier: Padded seats, no charge for use of toilets.
Low cost carrier: Bring your own cushions and toilet paper, credit card swipe for toilets.
Cabin attendant: Two legged mobile device for extracting cash from captive audience
Economy class: Conditions under which transportation of animals would constitute a criminal offence.
Business class: Exclusive area for use of badly behaved airline employees' children travelling free.
First class: Exclusive area for use of airline employees travelling free.
Open-Jaw: What clients do when they find out what their fare will be.
Double open jaw: As above, but when they realise that this did not include taxes and surcharges
Passenger: Cargo that talks. Self-loading freight.
Airline Club Lounge: Paradise-like kingdom guarded by dragon-like creatures.
Fog: Weather condition, invisible to normal people, generated by airports as an excuse for disruptions.
NO REC: The passenger went online and booked his own flight.
Direct Flight: 1) Connecting flight in disguise. 2) What civilians think a non-stop flight is.
In-flight Snacks: Little treats sealed in a bag impervious to all but chainsaws. Guaranteed to spill when opened.
Baggage Sorting Area: See "Bermuda Triangle."
Code share: Magic trick in which aircraft from several different airlines leave from the same gate at the very same moment to fly the identical route.
Gate Announcement: Vital information delivered over a defective sound system and given by specially selected personnel with severe speech impediments.
"We will shortly be landing, and the captain has switched on the seatbelt signs. Please return to your seats and fasten seat belts": Understood by passengers to mean "leap up and start pulling luggage out of overhead bins whilst aircraft is on final approach in turbulent conditions."
"We have not reached our final parking position. Please remain seated with seat belts fastened": Understood as Jump up and stand like sheep in the aisle pushing towards the exit doors which are still closed.
Blankets and Pillows (archaic): Sleep-inducing objects said to have existed in primitive times.
Minimum Connecting Time: Time it takes for an Olympic gold medal sprinter to run between two gates.
Hotel/Car Rental Shuttle: Vehicle subject to paranormal effect. While waiting, every van will come by multiple times -- except yours.
Overhead Luggage: Rectangular object expected to magically shrink from the size of a refrigerator to the size of a loaf of bread.
Frequent-flyer Programs: Airline's term for Pandora's box.
ARUNK: Sound passenger makes when sitting between two very large people.
On Time Arrival: Obscure term, meaning unknown.
On Time Departure: Cabin doors closed within 15 minutes of scheduled departure. Subsequent delays irrelevant.
Unforeseen circumstances: the captain got lucky last night and overslept.
Legroom: Small space which shrinks during flight and into which an amputee dwarf would have difficulty fitting his non-existent legs.
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