Peel Off Calendar Pages

[PhilDernerJr]

Every year, I get my father a peel-off calendar of some sort. They used to be Far Side comics, but the past few years it's been other kind of humorous themes.

This year I gave him an American History one that is pretty funny, and an Onion one. So each day he peels off two pages that pertain to history and the news.

When I go visit him, he gives me the ones that he felt were good enough to save. I thought I'd share a few with you folks here.




April 3 - George Washington: "Jefferson, you're on the two. Hamilton? You get the ten. I'm calling dibs on the one, that's all me, baby. What's that, Adams? You wanted the one? All right, that's it: You don't get to be on anything. That's right, I'm taking back the quarter. Anyone else want to complain? I didn't think so."

[PhilDernerJr]

May 4 - "Before 1920, women used to call Election Day "Stay Home and Cook Day". Although they won't admit it, women were much happier when all they had to do was bake **** and pump outkids.

[Matt Molnar]

LOL.

I have the 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said Calendar.

March 29:
There's no doubt it will get done or not get done before the season starts.
New York Yankees general manager Brian Cashman, talking about a contract extension for Mariano Rivera being done before the start of the season.

May 2:
Q: What was the best thing you read all year?
Singer Justin Timberlake: You mean like a book?
in a Rolling Stone interview

May 6:
No! I saw a vomiting crab.
English subtitle in a Hong Kong kung-fu movie

[PhilDernerJr]

May 11: "Your Unelected Founders"

Alexander Hamilton

Acheivements: Author of majority of federalist Papers, including the least boring ones.

Reason why unelectable: Born in West Indies, so uncomstitutionally impossible. Had an unfortunate tendency to duel...and lose.

[PhilDernerJr]

May 22

In retribution for a speech insulting Southerners for their pro-slavery views, South Carolina Representative Preston Brooks beat Massachusetts Senator Charles Sumner with a metal-topped cane in the Senate chamber. Though rendered unconscious, Sumner miraculously arose and retaliated with his trademark "Sumner Triple Suplex", thereby retaining the Senate Wrestling Federation championship belt.

[PhilDernerJr]

These are some GREAT ones. HAHAHA

June 2: "Distribution of Wealth". Computer models project a future in which the rich get richer and the poor poorer. By 2050, it is believed the meek shall inherit, at best, a **** sandwich.

June 6:Thomas Jefferson had great success marketing tobacco. He is widely credited with inventing the cigarette slogans "All the cool kids are doing it!" and "You need something to do after ****ing a slave."

[PhilDernerJr]

June 13: Socialist State

Your typical day: Standing in line for tickets to the toilet paper line.

Your standards breakfast: Vodka

Favorite punk band: Ramones

Why are you being jailed? First-degree yard sale

Your pet peeves: Money

June 22: The President: King of Democracy

Thomas Jefferson. Died on the 50th Anniversary of the signing of the Declaration.

Cause of death: Auto-erotic asphyxiation.

July 5: Know Your Mascots!

Uncle Same: A commanding mascot with extraordinary versatility, capable of leading men to feats of valor on the battlefield and to car dealerships for insanely low APR financing. Also famously nimble on stilts.

[PhilDernerJr]

A favorite of mine:

July 11:

The Legend: Alexander Hamilton was shot and killed i a duel with Aaron Burr on July 11, 1804.

What Really Happened: HAmilton and Burr were actually best friends. One day they were rooting around in Burr's dad's house after school and found a pistol behind a stack of old girlie pamphlets. Believing the pistol empty, Burr suggested they play Constables and Rogues. Minutes later, the architect of American capitalism was mortally wounded.

[Matt Molnar]

From the 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said calendar:


August 25

On Turns of Phrase, Unfortunate:

"Reverend John, who is living with an openly gay partner, is no doubt feeling rather sore today." --newscaster Paul Handley

[PhilDernerJr]

August 31:

Controversial Supreme Court Nominees:

John Rutledge

Nominated by: George Washington

Reason why controversial: Rumors of mental illness

How crazy was he? Believed the CIA had implanted mind-control chip in brain - 163 years prior to the invention of either. Also, ate gavels.

September 5:

Famous Last Words: "Good thing these tickets were free, Major Rathbone. This play su-"

- Abraham Lincoln, April 14, 1865

September 13:

"Chinese History: Marco Polo discovered China by repeatedly shouting out his first name, then waiting for China to respond with his last.