View Full Version : Some Funny ATC exchanges

08-31-2005, 02:42 PM
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

08-31-2005, 02:47 PM
those have been around for the longest, and i've heard several differnt versions of the last one. they're classics now. i believe that the one i heard taking place at LGA has got to be the real one. my fav was this:

- republic tower, gulfstream 8CA is over Captree Bridge with Romeo, inbound requesting touch-and-gos.

- gulfstream 8CA, say again your request.

- republic tower, 8CA is over Captree, inbound VFR requesting touch-and-go.

- standby 8CA.

- (after 5 minute pause) gulfstream 8CA, we would love to see that, report right downwind runway 1-9, touch-and-gos on request.

- right downwind 1-9, 8CA.

- tower, 8CA is right downwind.

- roger 8CA, make short approach, cleared touch-and-go.

- make short approach, cleared touch and go, 8CA.

- republic tower, mooney 4681N is on the ILS 1-4, circle to land 1-9.

- roger Mooney 81N, proceed on the ILS approach, traffic is a touch-and-go G-5 that is on the upwind of 1-9 at the moment, hes making right traffic. cleared missed approach.

- say again tower, touch-and-go G-5?

- thats correct Mooney 81N.

- uh cleared missed approach, mooney 81N.

- mooney 81N going missed.

- roger 81N.

- tower, 8CA is right downwind, touch-and go.

- gulfstream 8CA, you are number 2 behind a mooney circling to land off the ILS 14 approach, hes currently turning left base.

- number 2 following a mooney, 8CA.

- mooney 81N, cleared to land.

- cleared to land, 81N.

- gulfstream 8CA, cleared touch-and-go.

- cleared touch-and-go, 8CA.

- tower, 8CA is right downwind 1-9, full stop.

- is playtime over 8CA?

- for now.

- ok then, make short approach 8CA, cleared to land.

- cleared to land, 8CA.

- gulfstream 8CA, contact ground on 121.6, good day.

- well see ya, 8CA.

08-31-2005, 03:16 PM
Tommy, those are great. Some I've heard, some I haven't. My favs are the 7-engine approach and the Frankfurt WW2 reference.

08-31-2005, 06:54 PM
Watching a G5 do touch and go's on a 5500ft runway is something you don't see everyday. Usually for pilot training/check rides they bring those puppies to Gabreski where the 10000' runway gives them just a bit more room to play with.

08-31-2005, 09:07 PM
these were two guys that are very very expreienced. the airplane in question was Computer Associate's G-V, they were just having some fun after dropping the boss off at KMVY.

ISP Pilot
09-02-2005, 08:19 AM
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
Love reading this over and over again but I doubt US or UA ever flew 727s into LGW, especially to FLL! Obviously, they meant good ol' LGA.

09-02-2005, 09:08 AM
THey are all pretty funny.

Phil knows this, but you should hear some of the the AIr China exchanges. Scary they are allowed to fly considering their apparent handle on the language:)