EDITOR’S NOTE: With April 1st now behind us, we would like to disclose early on that the following article is satirical. Read on, enjoy, then study the reality of chemtrails/contrails at the links shared below. Thanks! -PD
For the past 27 years, I’ve been flying transport category aircraft. My name is “Captain X” and I spray chemtrails.
You may have heard about the “quacks” and “kooks” that believe the military is spraying the skies with chemicals. What the “believers” don’t realize is that the conspiracy runs far deeper. The military doesn’t have enough aircraft to do the job, so the airlines are spraying too. Which ones? All of them.
Everybody knows that airline profits are slim. You have to wonder why anyone would bother starting such a business – unless there are other “incentives.”
Follow The Money
Every year, the United States Congress (and similar entities around our planet) earmark billions of dollars for “black” projects; stuff you don’t need to know about. In 2012, Congress approved $52.8 billion for black projects. Think all that money was for spy satellites and UAVs? Nope it’s for spraying mind control drugs on the population of the entire planet (Big Pharma LOVES chemtrails). Airline bosses get paid a pretty penny to play “The Game.” Once their spouses get a taste for government money, there’s no going back (the lifetime supply of government cheese isn’t bad either).
How To Keep A Pilot Quiet
A big conspiracy needs control to keep it’s soldiers in line. My experience started as a freshly hired 25 year-old flight engineer for a major airline. My starting pay? $24,000 per year. During initial training guys worried about making ends meet. On day three, we were told we would receive additional income from “special contracts.” When we asked what sort of contracts, we were told: “Government Services. That’s all you need to know.” Then they gave us free pizza. We turned in our checking account numbers and were told extra money would appear monthly. Remember, this was long before the days of direct deposit.
About three weeks after ground school started, the first payment appeared. My wife noticed it first and asked what it was for. I told her what I knew (and didn’t know). She smiled approvingly and spent the large chunk of change on a couple of Gucci bags. Then she told me we were going to buy a much nicer home. Financial control…it’s a powerful thing!
There were vague threats through the years as well. During annual training, while eating more free pizza, we would be reminded: “Make sure you keep your address up-to-date with us so we know where you live.” They said it was for mailing paychecks and the company newsletter.
Aircraft Spray Systems
During training, it became clear we were being taught about a dispersal system of some sort. There’s a lot of mysterious plumbing involved. “Fuel tanks” that didn’t feed engines, along with complicated pumps and fetzer valves. Specific questions about purpose were ignored. Even more bizarre, none of this stuff was in our systems manual. The instructor drew diagrams on the chalkboard and told us to commit it to memory. The information was then promptly erased. If we were especially attentive in class and could pass the oral quizzes, the teacher would let us clap the erasers together during recess. I really liked that part. Well, that and the free pizza. If you ask Boeing or Airbus about any of this, they will, of course, deny it.
Preflight
Before every flight, many trucks arrive to services the aircraft. Pay close attention to the “Lavatory Service” truck. These trucks are the most closely guarded secrets in aviation. They are the perfect cover. Who’s going to follow a “Honey Wagon?” Or even get near one? Lav truck? Please. More like: Chemtrail Service Vehicle.
Doing The Deed
Before every flight, we are given a flight plan that’s filed with Air Traffic Control. Sometimes the routes are really strange. Pilots will tell you the odd routings are due to weather, winds or traffic. Don’t fall for it. It’s all about coordinating spray zones. Our computerized flight plans have codes that indicate when to activate our pumps. This is why you see some jets creating chemtrails and others not. Check out the little equal signs (=) next to the fixes on the flight plan pictured below. Officially, those are “ATC Reporting Points.” Now you know better!
In the good old days, we had to manually control the spray by turning on pumps and opening fetzer valves. We would set alarms so we didn’t forget the darn things. We did NOT want to screw up and land with full chem tanks. This would earn the crew a trip to see a furious Chief Pilot… Because now we had screwed with HIS wife’s MONEY.
Thanks to advances in ball bearing design and solid-state fetzer valve actuators, spray systems are now automated. In the early 1980’s when Honeywell designed the first FMC, they (might have) integrated spray control. Again, you won’t find the codes and commands in any manual. It’s all word of mouth and lost in chalk dust. Top Secret stuff!
What Chemtrails Made Of?
Chemtrail stuff is sinister. The fluffy white “clouds” you see contain high levels of crystallized or vaporized dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) and hydroxic acid. If you aren’t familiar with these chemicals, read up on them. Hydroxic acid, even in small quantities can cause death in both children and adults (you won’t hear that in the mainstream news).
That’s all I have time to write for now. Have to be careful. THEY are watching. And there’s someone knocking on the door…
Oh, and one more thing…Have a wonderful April Fool’s Day!
If you’d like factual information about contrails, read these articles:
The Conspiracy That Isn’t: Debunking Chemtrails – NYCAviation.com
Look Up In The Sky…Contrails! – AeroSavvy.com
Photo Credits:
“Lavatory Waste” by Eric Niu. License: Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)
Other photos by the author.
Ken Hoke has been flying for over 30 years. He’s currently a Boeing 767 captain flying international routes for a package express airline. In his spare time, he writes the AeroSavvy blog. Follow Ken on Twitter, Facebook and Insta