April 1, 2015

REVEALED: The Dirty Truth About Chemtrails (Satire)

More articles by »
Written by: Ken Hoke
Tags: , ,

EDITOR’S NOTE: With April 1st now behind us, we would like to disclose early on that the following article is satirical. Read on, enjoy, then study the reality of chemtrails/contrails at the links shared below. Thanks! -PD

For the past 27 years, I’ve been flying transport category aircraft. My name is “Captain X” and I spray chemtrails.

You may have heard about the “quacks” and “kooks” that believe the military is spraying the skies with chemicals. What the “believers” don’t realize is that the conspiracy runs far deeper. The military doesn’t have enough aircraft to do the job, so the airlines are spraying too. Which ones? All of them.

Everybody knows that airline profits are slim. You have to wonder why anyone would bother starting such a business – unless there are other “incentives.”

Follow The Money

Every year, the United States Congress (and similar entities around our planet) earmark billions of dollars for “black” projects; stuff you don’t need to know about. In 2012, Congress approved $52.8 billion for black projects. Think all that money was for spy satellites and UAVs? Nope it’s for spraying mind control drugs on the population of the entire planet (Big Pharma LOVES chemtrails). Airline bosses get paid a pretty penny to play “The Game.” Once their spouses get a taste for government money, there’s no going back (the lifetime supply of government cheese isn’t bad either).

How To Keep A Pilot Quiet

A big conspiracy needs control to keep it’s soldiers in line. My experience started as a freshly hired 25 year-old flight engineer for a major airline. My starting pay? $24,000 per year. During initial training guys worried about making ends meet. On day three, we were told we would receive additional income from “special contracts.” When we asked what sort of contracts, we were told: “Government Services. That’s all you need to know.” Then they gave us free pizza. We turned in our checking account numbers and were told extra money would appear monthly. Remember, this was long before the days of direct deposit.

About three weeks after ground school started, the first payment appeared. My wife noticed it first and asked what it was for. I told her what I knew (and didn’t know). She smiled approvingly and spent the large chunk of change on a couple of Gucci bags. Then she told me we were going to buy a much nicer home. Financial control…it’s a powerful thing!

There were vague threats through the years as well. During annual training, while eating more free pizza, we would be reminded: “Make sure you keep your address up-to-date with us so we know where you live.” They said it was for mailing paychecks and the company newsletter.

Aircraft Spray Systems

During training, it became clear we were being taught about a dispersal system of some sort. There’s a lot of mysterious plumbing involved. “Fuel tanks” that didn’t feed engines, along with complicated pumps and fetzer valves. Specific questions about purpose were ignored. Even more bizarre, none of this stuff was in our systems manual. The instructor drew diagrams on the chalkboard and told us to commit it to memory. The information was then promptly erased. If we were especially attentive in class and could pass the oral quizzes, the teacher would let us clap the erasers together during recess. I really liked that part. Well, that and the free pizza. If you ask Boeing or Airbus about any of this, they will, of course, deny it.


Before every flight, many trucks arrive to services the aircraft. Pay close attention to the “Lavatory Service” truck. These trucks are the most closely guarded secrets in aviation. They are the perfect cover. Who’s going to follow a “Honey Wagon?” Or even get near one? Lav truck? Please. More like: Chemtrail Service Vehicle.

Don’t be fooled. This guy has one of the highest paid jobs in aviation. He, no doubt, holds a high-level security clearance.

Don’t be fooled. This guy has one of the highest paid jobs in aviation.
He, no doubt, holds a high-level security clearance.

Doing The Deed

Before every flight, we are given a flight plan that’s filed with Air Traffic Control. Sometimes the routes are really strange. Pilots will tell you the odd routings are due to weather, winds or traffic. Don’t fall for it. It’s all about coordinating spray zones. Our computerized flight plans have codes that indicate when to activate our pumps. This is why you see some jets creating chemtrails and others not. Check out the little equal signs (=)  next to the fixes on the flight plan pictured below. Officially, those are “ATC Reporting Points.” Now you know better!

Our onboard computer handles this, but we have it on the flight plan as a back up.

Our onboard computer handles this, but we have it on the flight plan as a back up.

FMSIn the good old days, we had to manually control the spray by turning on pumps and opening fetzer valves. We would set alarms so we didn’t forget the darn things. We did NOT want to screw up and land with full chem tanks. This would earn the crew a trip to see a furious Chief Pilot… Because now we had screwed with HIS wife’s MONEY.

Thanks to advances in ball bearing design and solid-state fetzer valve actuators, spray systems are now automated. In the early 1980’s when Honeywell designed the first FMC, they (might have) integrated spray control. Again, you won’t find the codes and commands in any manual. It’s all word of mouth and lost in chalk dust. Top Secret stuff!

What Chemtrails Made Of?

Chemtrail stuff is sinister. The fluffy white “clouds” you see contain high levels of crystallized or vaporized dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) and hydroxic acid. If you aren’t familiar with these chemicals, read up on them.  Hydroxic acid, even in small quantities can cause death in both children and adults (you won’t hear that in the mainstream news).

That’s all I have time to write for now. Have to be careful. THEY are watching. And there’s someone knocking on the door…

Oh, and one more thing…Have a wonderful April Fool’s Day!


If you’d like factual information about contrails, read these articles:

The Conspiracy That Isn’t: Debunking Chemtrails – NYCAviation.com

Look Up In The Sky…Contrails! – AeroSavvy.com

Photo Credits:

Lavatory Waste” by Eric Niu. License: Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)

Other photos by the author.

 Ken Hoke has been flying for over 30 years. He’s currently a Boeing 767 captain flying international routes for a package express airline. In his spare time, he writes the AeroSavvy blog. Follow Ken on TwitterFacebook and Instagram.


About the Author

Ken Hoke
Ken Hoke has been flying for over 30 years. He’s currently a Boeing 757 & 767 captain flying international routes for a package express airline. In his spare time, he writes AeroSavvy



The Conspiracy That Isn’t: Debunking Chemtrails

The chemtrail conspiracy is a fact-less idea created by a misled and uninformed group. We explain the skinny on the science behind the unfortunate theory.
by John Steffen and Phil Derner Jr.


  • PierreBus

    dihydrogen monoxide, I KNEW IT! Get too much or too little and that stuff will kill you!

    • That DHMO stuff is bad news!

    • TechxasRR

      Yeah, and it DECEPTIVELY looks just like water! Anyone could fall for that.

  • You’re my hero.

  • Pax


  • ldude

    This is pretty funny, but I’d appreciate it more if it weren’t so sexist.

    • It’s satire and I was attempting to poke fun at stereotypical domestic arrangements. Feel free to substitute “spouse” for “wife.” 😉
      Thanks for reading!

    • asevie

      Oh my god how will you ever survive?

      • Martin Leeuwis

        Hey Ken, now that you have broken the secret oath you don’t get the monthly paycheck anymore……Is that why you write these columns?

        • Hi, Martin…
          I accept tips via PayPal, Western Union, and traveler’s checks (Starbucks gift cards are nice, too!). Thanks for reading!

  • Skywriter44

    Dihydrogen monoxide? I’m going to have a cup of cobalt diferride (CoFe2) and think about that!

    • I’m a big fan of CoFe2 when flying at night. A lot of people take an occasional dose of ETOH to offset the effects of DHMO.

  • Matthew Ouellette


  • ben

    This is a bunch of bull. Just feeding into the ccrazyness and paranoia. And the FLT plan picture is the 3 letter identifier for those NAVAID fixes. LAV trucks only service the toilets and that is it. The trails that you see trailing behind the A/C is normal exhaust from the engines at higher higher altitude.

    • asevie

      Nothing gets by you…

    • Ben, you caught me! Hope you had a wonderful April Fools day. 🙂

    • CQ

      Ben, you didn’t read (or understand) the last line of this article.

  • Cal

    Happy April fools

  • peco

    well, you must feel sooo happy about yourself, right. As I come from Croatia, small country in Europe, where there are no big airports, no army airports and a few air corridors, this satire of yours did not amuse me at all. I am, among other things, ultra light pilot and I say to you,- you are full of it! We have those like you here as well and they are not funny nor are you. Enjoy life!

    • Hello, Peco!

      I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy my article. Contrails are nothing more than water vapor and engine exhaust.

      Croatia is a beautiful country. I visited Dubrovnik a few years ago. It’s a wonderful place and I hope to go back. Keep flying your ultralight! That’s a great way to fly!

      • peco

        I´m glad you have visited Dubrovnik, little bias of me but my country is a gem.

        Sorry, but water vapor does not turn into clouds. If it would, meteorological models need to make this a proper parametar in the calculations.

        • If clouds are not made from water, what are they made from?

          • peco

            you need some solid particles too.
            The way these trails appear nowadays (compare to before 15-20 yr.) suggest that there are far more insufficient jet engines now then they use to be. It seems that they burning a lot of inpuryties in the fuel, or…

          • There has always been plenty of condensation nuclei for contrails to form. Piston engine planes made beautiful contrails in the 1940’s. No one is adding anything sinister to the fuel. I promise. 🙂

          • peco

            In 1940’s it was sooth, aluminium particles use to deflect radars.
            I know that is no adding it to the fuel.

          • On the contrary, there were additives back then to PREVENT the NATURAL contrails, as they gave away the aircraft to the enemies.

          • peco

            OK, so when did they decided to cut on those additives in passenger jets fuel

          • They cut them when the war ended.

          • peco

            well, there is something wrong with that statement because I have a load of photos from 70’s, 80’s and early 90’s with sky so clear and blue. Compare to today. So they must have done something now that is different from then.

          • And you know what? The skies might well be very different from them! Increase in air traffic (which has happened, by a LOT), and changes in airways and navigational aids.

            Not sure why you see a change, and then assume it is because of something that there is no evidence of.

          • peco

            well, there is no significant air traffic increase over my country and there is only two (2) air corridors over Split (my town). So keeping that in mind, hundreds of trails criss-crossing the sky in all possible directions over my country, do not make any sence at all.
            Using navigational aids we are able to track nonsense in the sky, eg. following flightradar24.com one can clearly see that (in Croatia) on the certain days, there is a HUGE discrepancy in what we see compare to what is on the radar.

          • FlightRadar24.com is not a reliable source, as it simply doesn’t track all aircraft. It is only capable of tracking certain ones.

          • peco

            over 80%. That is pretty reliable

          • Not in all areas. There are technologies at play that are more common in some areas of the world than others.

          • peco

            that is why I allways talk about things that are happening in my country.

          • You need solid particles?

            On a cold, winter day, when steam comes out of your mouth as you exhale, what solid particles are there?

            It’s the same thing.

            Some of the poor chemtrail believers seem to cite patterns and frequency from a 10-20 years ago, but have zero data to actually back this up. This is similar to lack of evidence from every other claim in the chemtrail world.

          • peco

            By that teory, we would each have our own cloud above us on a cold winter day and all the cars, trucks, buses and people would make a prety huge cloud over our heads.

          • Offensive #AvGeek

            Who feeds and dresses you each day? Just curious how you get by since you believe totally baseless things like this.

          • peco

            I walk naked. And I grow a tail.

          • peco

            also, my data is coming from my own experience, my senses. As a 48 yr. old man who use to live in comunist country I know a lot about data manipulation.

          • Offensive #AvGeek

            I think YOU are the manipulator! Who is paying you to spread this?

          • peco

            my mom

          • Well “your senses” are not very admissible into our debate, because I didn’t see what you say you saw, nor can you prove what you saw. Again, no one in the chemtrail world has actual evidence to share to support the ridiculous idea.

  • Capt. JC Kidder

    If I stop getting my bounce check for “Special Services” I’ll know who to blame…..Bwahaahaaaa!!!!

  • Gala Ct
  • Mark Golding

    What a load of BS. Think you can make fun of the FACT that Geo Engineering has been conducted for decades by the US. I have a pile of photos showing the internal structure of these flying chem machines…
    Countless images of so called con/vapour trails at low altitude that spread out across the sky as a cloud without ever vapourising but lingering for many hours.
    I have a number of photos showing jet engine emissions cut off as if the ‘passenger’ jet has run out of fucking fuel.
    Do me a favour. Clime back under a rock where you came from.